Protecting Your Relationship Starts With Sleep
It’s not romantic or exciting. But if you want to protect your relationship - protect your sleep.
When you're exhausted, everything feels harder. You’re quicker to snap… slower to understand… less able to stay patient or generous. And so is your partner.
Sleep deprivation doesn’t just make you tired. It affects your ability to regulate emotions, interpret tone accurately, and stay connected during stress. Basically, it hijacks the part of your brain that helps you not turn every minor issue into a blow-up.
Early Parenting Sleep
If you’re a new parent, you’re probably super annoyed by this advice. In the fourth trimester (and honestly for the first handful of years), sleep is a luxury. And if your kids are anything like mine were, you might be thinking you’re SOL. Understandably, you’re on baby’s schedule. You’re up feeding, soothing, adjusting. Even when you’re technically sleeping, your nervous system is often on high alert.
I don’t have a magical solution for you. Sure, some of the below tips can be very helpful in terms of getting more restful sleep. But until you’re past this stage, you’re unlikely to get the ideal amount of sleep. I don’t say this to discourage you. I say this to normalize your experience and help you lean into acceptance - which can do wonders for your emotion regulation. Fighting the tide multiplies exhaustion.
What Protecting Sleep Might Look Like
So - should you just wait until your kids are older and give up for now? No. I’m a big fan of - even if it isn’t perfect, still start. Even if you won’t be getting a regular 7-9 hours of sleep every night, it doesn’t mean you can’t start somewhere and start building habits that will help you in the long run.
Every couple is different, but here are a few ways partners can work together to prioritize rest:
Taking turns doing nighttime care
Bringing in support - even for just one night - so you both can reset
Sleeping in separate rooms when needed, if it helps at least one of you get solid rest
Giving each other “off” hours, where one person is fully responsible and the other can completely shut down (one of my favorite versions of this is having one of you get up with the kids in the morning while the other sleeps in, and then alternating days)
And of course, there’s general good sleep hygiene habits like having a bedtime routine, limiting screens before bed, cutting back on caffeine in the afternoon, and creating a calm, dark sleep environment.
Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. Baby steps can get you moving in the right direction until that magical time comes that your child starts sleeping for longer and longer stretches. Make sleep a shared goal, not an individual challenge.
In Therapy, We Prioritize What Helps You Function
If you’re snapping more. If your patience is shot. If everything feels a little too much... We don’t just talk about the argument you had at 3 a.m. We look at the bigger picture:
We’ll acknowledge how lack of rest is impacting your ability to show up for each other (this can be an instant tension reducer).
We’ll explore if the systems you’ve set up working for both of you… or barely working for anyone.
We’ll uncover what would feel supportive right now, and what kind of help you actually need. If real sleep is off the table, what else can you both do to support yourselves and each other in the meantime?
We’ll also determine if what you’re framing as a communication issue is actually a capacity issue.
Sleep deprivation during the early months and years of parenting is rough. But with support, you don’t need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. There are interim solutions we can explore - together.
