Unlearning Your Sex Education
Ask most people when they first learned about sex, and you’ll get a mix of memories:
A health class that spent more time on disease than desire
A parent’s awkward metaphor or a, “You’ll understand when you’re older…”
Porn
Or silence. Just silence.
So many of us were taught (without anyone ever saying it directly) that sex was something to fear, hide, avoid, or navigate only in service of someone else’s comfort. And even if no one told you sex was shameful, you probably picked it up anyway… in glances, body language, media, and all the things people didn’t say.
That early conditioning doesn’t just go away.
It becomes the hesitation you experience when a partner asks what you like. The embarrassment when someone uses the proper terms for body parts. The disconnect you experience with your own body leading to lack of exploration of your wants and needs. The fear that maybe you’re not doing it right somehow.
Sexual shame happens when you grow up in an environment where curiosity is shut down, bodies aren’t talked about with respect, and desire is only validated for some… not for all. Most people got the message: this isn’t something we should talk about.
In Therapy, We Work Backward and Forward at the Same Time
This kind of work doesn’t start with what you want in bed. It starts with asking: What did you learn about wanting anything at all?
We untangle the places where fear got confused with protection, silence became mistaken for safety, and “being good” meant cutting off a part of yourself.
And then… we begin imagining what else could be true.
That you don’t need to be more or less sexual to be good.
That “normal” is a made-up word when it comes to sex between consenting adults.
That your relationship to desire is valid.
That pleasure isn’t something you have to earn or that you owe to anyone else.
I wrote more about how desire actually works, and why your twenties weren't necessarily the peak, here.
There’s Nothing to Get “Right”
Give yourself a version of the sex education you never received. Both the anatomical one, and the emotional one. The one that says you’re allowed to feel, to ask, to change your mind.
Sexual healing doesn’t always look like a change in the frequency sex (which is what brings many couples to my door). Sometimes it looks like being able to say what you don’t want. Sometimes it’s simply not cringing when someone says the word “vulva.” Sometimes it’s crying in relief because you finally feel seen and validated as you are.
You don’t have to push yourself into a version of sexuality that doesn’t fit you. And you don’t have to carry the shame that was never yours to begin with.
If any of this sounds familiar, I work with couples on exactly this. Book a free consultation and let's talk about what's going on.
