When Stress Kills Desire
Many couples come in to my office with a common complaint: one person wants more sex… and the other doesn’t.
When desire feels out of sync, it’s easy to feel rejected, or to blame yourself or your partner. But no one is broken, and it’s rarely about love or attraction fading. More often, it’s about everything else going on in your life, your body, and your day-to-day dynamic. Desire doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s influenced by stress, exhaustion, emotional tension, and how connected, or disconnected, you’ve been feeling lately.
If you’re the person feeling disconnected from desire, that might come with guilt, confusion, or pressure to “figure it out.” And if you’re the person longing for more connection, it might come with grief, self-doubt, or fear that something’s wrong.
You’re both probably hurting. And you’re both likely trying harder than it seems.
Here’s What Might Be Going On
There’s a model called the dual control model of sexual response. It offers a compassionate and research-backed way to understand what shapes desire.
Your brain has a sexual accelerator (the “GO” Button): it notices and responds to things that feel exciting, attractive, or emotionally safe.
It also has sexual brakes (the “STOP” Button): which kick in when anything in your environment (or in your body) suggests it’s not a good time to be turned on.
Stress presses the brakes. So does emotional disconnection. So do things like self-consciousness, distraction, unspoken resentment, pressure, or feeling touched-out.
If someone is feeling shut down, it often has nothing to do with their partner and everything to do with how overwhelmed their nervous system feels.
If someone is feeling rejected, it makes sense that they’d start wondering what changed or why the distance is growing.
Both experiences are real. Both deserve care.
There’s No “Too Much” or “Not Enough”
Desire tends to fade when someone’s system is overloaded. That might look like:
Trying to stay on top of a million things
Navigating exhaustion, parenting, or aging
Avoiding intimacy because it feels more stressful than nourishing
Not knowing how to initiate anymore without fearing the answer
And on the other side:
Longing to feel wanted again
Feeling anxious about initiating
Wondering why things used to feel easy… and now feel tense or fragile
Worrying that asking for sex feels like asking for closeness that isn’t mutual
Both people are often trying to protect the relationship in their own way. But it doesn’t always land that way on the other side.
In Therapy, We Slow Down and Get Curious
Instead of rushing to “fix the problem,” we talk about what’s underneath. We explore what desire has looked like in the past and what’s shaped it. We identify patterns that may have gone unnoticed. We name what’s been felt but not said. And we do it in a way that doesn’t blame one person or push the other.
We talk about brakes. We talk about context. We talk about what actually helps someone feel safe, open, and connected, and what makes them shut down.
And we begin to shift the focus from “how do we get back to how it was?” toward “how do we build something that works for who we are now?”
There’s No Winning or Losing
There’s no trying to want sex just to make your partner happy and there’s no trying to ask for less so you don’t rock the boat.
In therapy you’ll learn how to connect without pressure and understand each other with softness and curiosity, and ultimately how to create a version of intimacy that respects both of you, holistically.
