Why “Go on a Date Night” Isn’t Enough
New parents hear this advice all the time: “You just need to make time for each other. Go on more dates!”
But for most couples in the early parenting years, that’s about as helpful as saying “just sleep more.”
I mean… dates aren’t bad advice. Date night’s are great. But they aren’t the be all end all of staying connected with your partner. Plus, in many situations, that advice can be impractical, oversimplified, or offered without any understanding of what’s actually going on beneath the surface.
When your world has been flipped upside down by the demands of a newborn. When you’re running on three hours of sleep. When your body is still healing, and the dishes are piled up, and your brain is mush… “just go on a date” can feel like a joke. Or worse, like you’re failing at something everyone else seems to make time for.
Connection looks different now
Emotional intimacy rarely happens because of the date itself. It happens in the little moments of feeling seen and supported. Like:
Offering each other compassion when no one slept and everyone’s snappy
Remembering to say thank you for the invisible labor the other person is doing
Having a five-minute check-in after bedtime instead of crashing straight into screens
These aren’t glamorous. They’re not social media-worthy. But they’re real… and doable. And they’re the foundation for feeling like a team during one of the most intense transitions a couple can go through.
What helps couples stay connected after kids
Generous assumptions: Assume your partner is doing their best, even when they miss the mark.
Clarity about roles: The less you have to guess or assume about who’s doing what, the more space you free up for connection.
Protecting each other’s sleep: Seriously. This matters more than most people expect.
Tiny rituals of connection: Coffee together, sending a meme, a walk around the block… it doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be intentional.
Knowing who else to lean on: Your partner can’t meet every need. Think about who helps you laugh, who helps you problem-solve, and who you can vent to without judgment.
In therapy, we talk about all of this
Not just the communication skills (though those matter too), but the whole picture:
How this transition has changed you
What you’re grieving, even if you’re also grateful
How to ask for support when you don’t even know what you need
What connection looks like now… not five years ago, and not five years from now
You don’t need date nights to feel close again (but if you get the chance to go out on one, go for it!). But if that’s not in the cards for you, take solace that what you really need is space to feel understood and cared for.
If that feels like a challenge right now, I can help with that.
